June 8, 2015
If there were a version of Dante’s Inferno for trauma, the looping thought would surely be one of the tortures. “Why” is one that I’ve been hearing a lot lately.
Last week, a client who has been seeing me for a few months came in for her session. She is a successful professional in her 40’s who survived a very chaotic alcoholic family growing up. Her husband recently left her after two years of marriage. I’ll call her Jenna*
Jenna: If I could just figure out why he left me. Was it something I did? Why wasn’t I enough for him?
Me: Sounds like we’re on the loop again.
Jenna: I’m definitely looping.
Me: When you ask yourself these questions, what do you notice in your body?
Jenna: It’s here [puts her hand over a spot on her stomach.]
Me: What does it feel like there?
Jenna: It’s anxiety.
Me: Yes. Notice how it feels to have your hand there. Does it help?
Jenna: I don’t know. A little. But Brandy, I really thought we were going to be together forever. If I could just figure this out. What did I miss?
Me: It’s hard when you don’t know. What I’m suggesting, Jenna, is that the feeling of anxiety in your stomach is what is driving your need to know. That anxiety thinks it would feel better about things if you could figure out “why” and solve this problem, because your body is uncomfortable with that sensation and wants to move away from it.
The problem with the loop is that every time Jenna would come up with a reason or solution, she would turn it over in her mind, find it unsatisfying and become a notch or two more distressed. Then the “why” would come up again.
Me: Jenna, we may never know why your husband did what he did, but I think that if we can work with that sensation of anxiety and reduce it, the solutions might become a lot more clear.
The trick is working with the sensations of anxiety in a way that is manageable. Think of it as survival energy. It’s energy that wants to move through the body like a wave. If we can gently ride the wave, it will most likely pass, but if the wave is a tsunami, the system would get overwhelmed.
Because I have been seeing Jenna for a while, she has gotten used to noticing and following sensations in her body and trusting that they will not overwhelm her. She has an internal sense of what she can manage and how much is too much. When she allows the sensation of anxiety to be there, it will often start to do something – move, spread, get less intense, or even change into something else.
Most people think that it’s the things that happen, the thoughts we have or our stories that cause sensations of anxiety, but what’s true is – sometimes the anxiety is there first. The sensation is convincing and demands action: “Quick! Get us out of this – it’s dangerous!” To heal requires learning not to be convinced by your physiology, because it might be responding to old information from another time, but supplying content from something in the present. Not always easy to distinguish, but worth the effort. When you “divide and conquer” the sensation from the story – sometimes it’s easier to make a big shift.
What about Jenna’s situation? Could it have been something about her that damaged the relationship with her husband? Absolutely, but years of therapy before our work had not helped her get to the why or learn how to do something differently. Now, as we work on helping her nervous system come out of it’s chronic stressed state, she will begin to feel a more solid sense of herself from the inside, and all of the things she does to manage the inner distress will begin to shift.
When this happens, she will also begin to make connections about her relationship that she hasn’t had access to because of the chronic high stress – even things she picked up in previous therapy will probably “land” in a more meaningful way. The grief that she has been struggling with will most likely start to lose its grip.
5 Things to do if you get on a loop:
- Start by naming it. “I’m on the loop again.” The sooner you can catch it, the easier it is to redirect it.
- After you notice it, check out how potent it is. A mild or medium level of intensity will be easier to work with. If it’s very intense, you might need to reach out to someone who can help you think about something else. Don’t talk to the friend about the problem you’re looping about, or you’ll likely ride the loop together. Advice giving might not be good right now either. Get involved in their story for distraction.
- If you can manage, any form of distraction is fair. You’re trying to change the channel on the thoughts to give your body enough time to settle the activation.
- Here’s a breathing exercise I recorded that might help.
- Advanced practice: If it’s not too much, notice the sensation of the activation (anxiety, sadness, anger, etc). Set the thoughts aside and let the sensation be there until it passes.
Hope it helps!
Find out more at https://www.brandyvanderheiden.com
*Jenna is a composite of several people. Details changed to protect confidentiality.
