“I’m so stupid! Why do I say such idiotic things? Why can’t I stop being such a loser?”
Ouch, ouch, ouch.
Does this sound familiar? Watch this:
But wait! There’s more:
A strong inner critic is toxic and crippling for so many people. I believe it’s largely based in shame and starts very early. Many therapists say it’s the voice of a harsh parent or caregiver that has gotten internalized.
Working with the harsh inner critic is an important step in healing. When it’s been present for a long time, it can be hard to break the pattern. Here are 9 tips to work with it.
- Critic Origin Story. Villains and superheroes all have an origin story. What’s the origin of that harsh voice inside? Who spoke to you the way you’re speaking to yourself? The point is not to demonize that person (or people) as much as to help you cast doubt on the truth of the words. You’re trying to build a wedge between the harshness and your ability to slow it down or think a different thought. If you say, “I’m calling myself stupid again. Those are my mother’s words, not mine.” It can help get you out of the attack.
- Notice it. The critic loves to have full freedom, but if you pay attention to it and shine the light on it you’re going to get new information about when it shows up, what kinds of situations bring it out, how frequently, etc. You’re gaining information that will help you stop this voice. For example if you know that giving a presentation at work brings it out, the next time you have one coming up, make a plan for how you will deal with the critic – especially if it keeps you frozen and unable to complete your project. One idea is to recognize that when the critic comes up, it’s unlikely you’re going to do your best work. Take a 10 minute break. A short physical activity that gets your energy moving, like a quick walk around the block or scrubbing the stovetop can match the internal agitation and put your attention away from topics your critic likes. You might find that just a few minutes of activity will help you come back to yourself.
- Create an “other”. When clients come in and tell me they had a bad day and their inner critic went crazy, I feel encouraged. If they’re telling me this, there’s a part of them that knows what they tell themselves isn’t true. If you find yourself in full agreement with your critic 100% of the time that tells me there is a lot of stress. When you are out of the critical thoughts, try to build an alliance with the “other;” the part that is separate from the criticism. Together you can work toward feeling compassion for the hurt part of you that is harsh and find a different perspective besides self- judgment.
- Assume it’s not accurate. Even if it’s a stretch, try assuming that what the critic is saying about you is not true. The truth is, this voice was born in a different time period and is heavily influenced by stress. Tell yourself that these thoughts are only happening because you got overwhelmed and they will pass.
- Find another way to say it. As things progress, you might start to reframe your thoughts and use different words. I think Nonviolent Communication is a great skill set to have. In that method, they teach how to make a statement without evaluation. When you apply it to yourself it goes something like this: If you have the thought, “I hate myself, I’m so stupid.” First, name the experience objectively (aka “the thing that happened”) and then strip out the “evaluation” (aka judgment). The statement changes to “When I forgot my friend’s birthday, I felt angry with myself because I was afraid my friend would think I don’t care about her.” There we get to the heart of the matter and have a possibility to make amends, if needed.
- WW?D. I don’t know if it’s still popular, but at one time some Christians wore bracelets that said WWJD (what would Jesus do) to remind them to act from their Christian values. I wrote a ? in place of the J so that you could insert your own teacher, mentor or spiritual guide. If you have a spiritual practice based in love, try to recruit these principles to remind yourself of your highest truths. For example, many spiritual practices have a version of a loving, benevolent figure who is accepting of everyone. Imagine this figure’s love is available to you as well. You might get a disbelieving response from your critic, but staying with this idea if you have a spiritual practice in place could help you hold your harsh side at bay.
- Be persistent. If this is a lifelong issue for you, it won’t go away over night. Don’t give up. Expect that the critic will come back. Work with these tips when the critic is not as loud and don’t worry about “setbacks”. They’re almost a guarantee. Just keep going!
- Work on the Shame. Brene Brown has excellent videos and books about how to work with shame. Her approach normalizes the causes of shame, helps us notice shame reactions and behaviors and shows us how to find courage and vulnerability to neutralize the toxicity. Shame is not a fun topic, but Brene approaches it with a lot of humour and warmth.
- Regulation, Regulation, Regulation. The more stressed you are, the more the inner critic will have free reign. Keep working on reducing your stress with the tools in the Learning Forum and notice if the critic pops in less frequently and less harshly. I suspect that will be true.
Next:
Try my guided exercise for connecting with the “compassionate friend” and see if you can cultivate an advocate and opposite voice to the critic:
