Back to school time is here; a concept met with joy for some and dread for others. In my many years of working in schools, supporting teachers, parents and students, I’ve noticed an interesting pattern. Everyone gets a good dose of rest and recovery during the break, but it quickly wears off in the first few days and weeks of school. In the beginning there’s excitement and a feeling of readiness – how can you keep that going so that school doesn’t become exhausting for kids and parents? I’ve got some ideas.
Fun times in summer – keep them coming in fall too!
Summer brings rest, rejuvenation and more time to play. The challenging time constraints of getting to school and shuttling to various activities are gone, or reduced, and the pressures of homework, last minute supply runs for projects and battles of getting into and out of bed on time are all a distant memory. Less stress plus more rest and play equal regulation. As we move into fall, days get shorter, the weather gets colder and wetter; mood and energy can drop even as expectation to perform in school increases. Just from the change in season, our bandwidth goes down. Most of us need more rest, but get less. It gets worse.
When the first communications start from the school, parents start putting dates on the calendar for orientations, doctor and dentist visits, and back to school nights. Some after school activities have already been set; others require try outs that also have to be squeezed in. The calendar is filled up fast, and many things will come up that cannot be planned for, like project deadlines, parents work demands and illness.
Parents I talk to brace themselves for the onslaught, but feel there is nothing they can do to change it – their child has their heart set on all of the activities and there is no room for anything to be much different. There is some effort to figure out short cuts on lunches, planning menus and shopping lists and making vows to do better than last year, but it requires effort that is not sustainable without the energy boost that summer provides. It’s School Year’s Resolutions, and I suspect they succeed as often as their New Year’s counterparts.
This guy looks ready to go!
The pressures families have are huge. Students I know typically have a schedule that goes something like this: school, one or more activities and or after school care program, then homework, dinner, (more homework?) and bedtime rituals. When there are multiple kids at home, the demand on parents for attention, help with homework and getting everyone to bed on time is often exhausting and stressful. In families with parents who work outside the home full time, the added complication is finding a trustworthy, reliable caregiver who can handle pick up from school and drop off at activities.
When there is a parent who is at home full time, the complaint I hear is they are a full time taxi. For one mom I know who is a teacher, after she worked a full day at school, she regularly spent an additional two hours on the road for activities. Mind you, this does not include the time she spent waiting while the activities happened. Where is the time for rest? For homework? Sleep is one of the first things that tends to be compromised, especially in older students, and the impacts of loss of sleep snowball into more and more stress.
If you’re exhausted just from reading this, I don’t blame you. Let’s consider some ideas that might help.
It all comes down to regulation. Let’s think of it as bandwidth. In summer, the lighter schedule, increased rest and free time expands the bandwidth. When more stress is added after school starts, the bandwidth is quickly used up. Soon the school year will begin to drag and everyone is holding on by their fingernails to get to the next break.
Here are 7 things you can use to keep bandwidth in mind this school year:
- Make a list of things that helps the family and individuals gain or keep their bandwidth. Make these a priority. Things that come to mind are rest, exercise, eating well, one on one time (without devices) with your partner and children. Does your child need to go to soccer because it helps her to have the exercise and social time? Having a little zone out time in front of the TV can give the brain a chance to rest. What works for you and your family?
- Take a hard look at the family’s schedule. Look at the impact of the schedule on each person and their ability to have room for things you listed in part 1, then find things that can be cut or simplified. How many days are activities happening? How do your kids function when they have a lot of activities?
I took a teen through her schedule and helped her sort which commitments were must haves and which could be given up. Then we came up with a plan for how she would deal with the stress of the commitments, including what happens when she gets frustrated more easily and snaps at her brother or parents. She saw her schedule as something she was putting herself through, but I helped her notice it was something she was asking of the whole family.
Who is the family organizer? Is one person bearing the brunt of the work to keep the schedule going? The planning, carpool arranging, emailing other parents or activity providers, calendaring and driving? When that person’s bandwidth runs out, how does it impact the rest of the family? That person should have a vote in how many activities are possible.
- Increase daily unscheduled, self-guided time for kids. Most kids really love their activities, but how does that impact their ability to get homework done and rest before bed? I recommend no more than two activities per week for most kids, even if it’s their choice and they swear they can keep up with homework. They may keep up, but their stress will increase and regulation will suffer.
- A family that down regulates together…stresses less together? Sit on the couch with your child while he does his reading. Have snuggle time. She may tell you more about her day – just listen without giving advice. 15 minutes per day with each child one to one will make a big difference.
- Be mindful of your child’s transitions. Transitions can tell you a lot about your child’s state and can be a time when regulation goes off the rails, especially in the car. Does she jump into the car after school bubbly and happy and then fly into a rage or melt down? There are two likely causes. First, she could be holding it together all day and when she finally gets to the safety of the car and your presence, she loses it. Second, what kind of conversations are happening in the car? Do you immediately start asking about her day, what homework she has and reminding her about her chores? The car is a notorious place for things to go sideways. Instead, make a commitment to no business in the car, and greet them with “Hi! I’m glad to see you!” Listen to music. Minimizing conversation will give them some time to start integrating their day.
- Rest on arrival. When kids get home, remember they’ve had a long day. It seems practical to have them start homework and get it out of the way, but their brains are fried. Give them 30 minutes to rest, have a snack and play before homework. If your child is taking longer with homework than the teacher expects, sit with him and do your own “homework” to help him stay focused. Try to be companionable and relaxed to support his coregulation.
- Stay aware of self-regulation on a daily basis. Parents help kids self-regulate, but it is hard to do if you are depleted. Think about what helps you stay regulated. For some people it’s things like alone time, going to the gym, venting to a partner or friend. What are your bad stress habits? Chocolate? Getting to bed too late? Becoming more critical and less patient? If you notice these things happening, it’s time to bolster yourself. Make the same lists for each of your kids. Regulation has to be a priority if you want an easier school year.
What have I missed? Do you have some great tips to share? Leave a comment below.
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Hope it’s a wonderful year!
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